Friday, November 30, 2012

Painting and Posting

Just wanted to let Mommas know that any orders placed between today and Sunday will not be posted at the earliest til Monday due to not having access to a computer or Tossie's Tree. Have a good weekend!

Janessa and Hope



Thinking of you Shauna!

Makenna

Thinking of you Heather and Geoff!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Christmas Wreath


This is the front door wreath! I need to make Tossie's stocking and the advent calendar today and then we get to finish decorating. The kiddies are ready to decorate the tree!

Kamdyn

Thinking of you Kelsey!

Gabriel

Thinking of you Catherine!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Decorating the Tree

My family's tradition before I married my hubby was to go out and cut down a cedar tree on Thanksgiving and then decorate it. Hubby and I don't live in the country and so we would buy our trees. Only problem- I nearly or do get asthma from having a pine tree in the house. Scared us silly during my first pregnancy in 2008. The doctors just thought I had asthma brought on by pregnancy. Then the symptoms showed up with Fee's First Christmas Tree (2009) but not nearly as bad. Next Christmas (2010) same problem and again I was pregnant, but this time we figured out that it was the pine tree. Buddy was born a few weeks later and the symptoms went away. I had to beg Hubby to let me have a real tree for Buddy's First Christmas Tree (2011) and he agreed finally but I couldn't have it at Thanksgiving. And he bought a fake tree for future Christmases when they went on sale. So to now...

This Christmas was supposed to be Tossie's First Christmas and she was to get to have her own Tree. As soon as we found out that we were having a girl, I made a scrabble ornament for her to match the ones I made for everyone else last Christmas. Sadly, I have misplaced them.

I begged Hubby for a real tree for Tossie, he couldn't agree. But the day after Thanksgiving he put up the fake tree- without being asked! After he put it up though- it just didn't feel right. He saw that I was upset and asked if I wanted a real tree. I said yes but told him I probably shouldn't. We have agreed on a pine wreath for the front door instead.

He took us ornament shopping... Fee picked out purple ornaments and a purple feather mask as her special ornament this year. We chose green ornaments for Buddy and he picked out a squirrel ornament. For Tossie, we picked pink ornaments and a pink glitter butterfly.

Last year I made special tree ornaments for the kiddies out of felt. For Fee I placed her clipping of her tree into it right away. Buddy's was made but a little hole left in it so I could put in his clipping when we got the tree.

This year, Im looking at the tree, which is still bare because it is hard for me to decorate it. Actually, it's not bare completely. Hubby put on some of the lights and Fee has placed the mini tulle butterfly she asked me to make on the tree along with the angel wings we got yesterday. Buddy wants to play with his cars on the tree :) I guess that is a good way to decorate it.

Anyways, back to looking at my almost bare tree... I realize that even though we don't have a real tree, when we get the wreath I can take a clipping from it. I can still make her the tree ornament with buttons as ornaments. I couldn't find a ribbon for this tree, so her ornament won't have a garland. But thanks to Fee I have a cup of bright colored buttons that she picked out for me- that match the colors of the ornaments for Tossie's Christmas Tree. Hopefully I will be able to find the angels ornaments and Fee & Buddy's tree ornaments so they can be placed on the tree as well.

I keep thinking of what I can't find, what I don't have, or it would be better if... I tired of that! So, I got up and grabbed my button jar and felt. I cut out the tree shapes and sewed on the button ornaments. Now I just need to blanket stitch the edges together and add some stuffing.

I made an ornament for the Remembering Together Ornament Swap and Fee asked that I make each of them an ornament as well. I am so happy that I agreed- They are beautiful. I think tonight will be the night to decorate the tree! I just need to remember, this shows my love for her.

Chloe and Zoe



Thinking of you Jeanie!

I love seeing her name...

I really do. It's different and it's a family name. Tossie :)

Hubby and I decided to order 3 photos from Carly Marie Project Heal... I want more but he said 3 is good for now.

Of course we ordered her Sunset Name! We also got the pink Sand Tree with her name for Christmas and a flower faery picture. Hubby chose Ophelia for her butterfly. I was so happy he decided to share the experience of choosing these photos with me!


I've already added these to Tossie's Name page.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Angel Whispers

Just now in the mail came a package from Canada. Angel Whispers sent us a birth certificate for Tossie! It is so beautiful...

They also sent a beautiful pair of angel wings that glitter and a handmade card.

In the package is also their past newsletters, a packet of papers just for Daddy, and a poem for Mothers.

What makes a Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, 'What makes a mother?' and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can , He replied, with confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there is no need to stay.
I just don't understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, and mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day,
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay,
Your babes are here in my home, and this is where they will stay.
They'll wait for you with me, until you lesson's through,
And on the day I call you home they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!
~Author Unknown~

Abel

Thinking of you Erin!

Lily and Luke


Thinking of you Hannah Rose!



Jessica

Thinking of you DeeAnn!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Forget about it...

Today I was told it would be best to forget about it and to move on so I can heal. I love and respect the woman who said this, but I told her 'no'. I know she meant well, but that is not how I will heal.

I am not a person that just forgets very often. If it is important- then there is no way to forget. Sometimes her memory is not front and center. But I will never forget.

I will never forget how I longed for her.
I will never forget how spunky she was.
I will never forget how excited she got at the sound of her Daddy's voice.
I will never forget how she loved hearing 'stories' from her Sissy.
I will never forget how she would dish it right back to her Bubby.
I will never forget how it felt to feel her move.
I will never forget how beautiful she was.
I will never forget how perfect she was.
I will never forget how I dreamed of holding her in my arms.
I will never forget how I wanted to watch her grow.
I will never forget how I will never get to kiss her boo-boos.
I will never forget how broken my heart became.
I will never forget how it felt to physically let her go.
I will never forget how everyone said goodbye.
I will never forget how much I love her.

I will love you always and forever my Tossie. I will never forget you!

I have always been an artistic person. I have always found answers and questions in my artwork. If I do not create something with my hands than I feel lost. I have found myself through my art and refound myself again and again. I have lost myself before because I stopped doing what I loved because I listened to people who didn't care. I don't want to lose myself again. Losing Tossie has more than hurt, but it has began to help me see who I need to become; what I need to bring back and what needs to begone.

Through my art I hope to heal, to bring comfort to others that could use some help, and to honor the memory of my beautiful spunky Tossie.

Nehemiah

Thinking of you Sonya!

Braxton

Thinking of you Katie!

Baby Robinson

Thinking of you Stacy!

Lemoyne

Thinking of you Tabitha!

Kenzi

Thinking of you Jessica!

Chayton

Thinking of you Erin!

Abigail

Thinking of you Ogelle!

Ethan

Thinking of you Annie!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Jacob

Thinking of you Jenn

Butterfly

Thinking of you Summer!

3 hearts

Thinking of you Janet!

Noah

Thinking of you Molly!

Tossie's Tree

I started going to the tree where we had a balloon release for Tossie on November 15th when I looked out the window and saw an amazing sunrise.


On the way home, I saw a beautiful rock and thought how much more beautiful it could be with Tossie's name on it. I took it home and painted it. The next morning I took the rock with me to Tossie's Tree and photographed it at sunrise.

The tree is not officially Tossie's, it doesn't have her name on it or anything to that point. It is just where I can go to think of her, to pray, or to sit and listen to the silence.

I felt a presence that I hadn't felt in a long time when I went to her tree that first time. I have felt it every time since. I feel much closer to God there and it helps me to carve out time to be alone.

The branches are strong and are home to at least 5 nests. The tree is an oak, one of the strongest! 


I love sitting under it's branches and leaning up against its trunk!

Sawyer


Thinking of You Michelle

Tossie's Story


Tossie Adaline
Sept 10th 2012

Sept 9th 2012 around noon I started having contractions before I went to the family Sunday dinner at my mother's. (I was 36 weeks pregnant and had just been given the good news that my pre- eclampsia was under control on Sept 7th.) They were every 15- 30 mins apart. Around 3 pm every 7- 15 minutes apart. At 5 pm they were 5-7 mins apart and I was starting to have back pain. My Bumble Bee (3 1/2 years old daughter) was amazing; bringing me cool glasses of water and chocolate covered nuts. Hubby was still a ways away as he was coming home from drill. To help relax and pass the time waiting for him I got in the shower while my mother watched Bubby (my 1 1/2 year old son); Bee kept bringing the snacks and cool glasses of water the whole time. She also started giving me updates on Daddy not being there yet. I was glad to finally being able to labor at home and not confined to a bed with ivs.
6 pm: Hubby arrived at my mother's house to find me still in the shower. The contractions were every 3- 5 mins at this time. I told him it was probably time to head to the hospital as it was 45- 60 mins away. We headed home to pack and my parents kept the kiddies. Once home the contractions got stronger, strong enough I could hardly talk through them. That was at 7 pm. We drove to the town our hospital was in and stopped for hubby to get a bite to eat and so that I could go the bathroom.
8 pm: We arrived at the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital and signed in. (I had managed to pre-register 2 days earlier). They took us to a room and took my blood pressure- it was high. It hurt to lay on my back but they insisted on trying to hook me up to the monitors. The nurse said she couldn't find her and let the other nurse try. The first nurse came back with another nurse. 3 nurses tried to find her heartbeat but couldn't, they sent for the doctor on call and the ultrasound machine. My heart sank. He looked at her heart, then looked at me, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the baby no longer has a heartbeat" he said.
I felt numb, closed then opened them, and looked at my hubby- he looked numb. I looked at the nurse standing next to me- she looked like she was going to cry. She herded the others out of the room so we could have some time alone. Hubby came over and placed his forehead on mine. I told he to call our family, friends, and SGT again. Just the ones who knew we were there, so they knew. During one of the calls he was asked 'What do you mean no heartbeat?' He tried not to cry, I took the phone and said "There is no heartbeat, she is dead and we have to go." and I hung up the phone. Saying those words hurt so badly, I started crying uncontrollably. We held each other and cried til the nurse came back in.
She said we needed to change rooms. She took us to room 6. It was larger and sealed; so it was quieter and we were then farther from the other mother delivering her healthy baby. I told her to let me take a shower and then we could get started- I wasn't ready or strong enough just then. I got in the shower; cried and prayed. I thought Hubby had left to get the bags but he hadn't. He was sitting just on the other side of the curtain listening to me pray and cry.
The nurse came in and said we had to start. They put in the iv, started the mag drip, gave me morphine for the pain ( i was only a 0 so it was the only pain med I could have) and I was soon out. I awoke to them putting in another iv, they stuck me 8 different times trying, and to which I spat at them to leave me alone; I passed out before they finished placing it. I awoke again to them trying to put in a catheter, I kicked the nurse and spat that they didn't know what they were doing. I thrashed around trying to make the pain stop and passed out again before they finished. I was awoken yet again to being checked and found to be still a 0. I told him I didn't dilate til it would be time to push, he didn't believe me and ordered the Pitocin  I said no but was told I wasn't allowed to make that decision. He proceeded to tell Hubby all the worse things that could happen and that I would die if they didn't get the baby out of me soon. Hubby agreed to the Pitocin and I punched him- hissing that I hated him for it. Again I fell into a fitful sleep.
Sept 10th 2012: I awoke for the last time in the most horrible pain thrashing even while I was asleep. I said I needed to push and was told not too. I was told I wasn't dilated  I told them they were wrong and to take out the catheter. The doctor said that I had to deliver with the catheter in because taking it out would lead to a chance of infection. They tried to get me to lay still. But I was screaming in agony and thrashing in pain. They had called for an epidural but he couldn't place it because I couldn't lay still. He asked that the doctor give me a small dose of pain med just to help take the edge off so he could help. My delivering doctor finally agreed.
By this time I had made it to my knees screaming in pain. The nurses told me to lay down as I was at risk of falling but I couldn't- the pain eased slightly on my knees. I turned around and help the top of the back of the bed. The bed was moved away from the wall so Hubby could stand behind it and hold me so I wouldn't fall. They were finally able to give me something for the pain but by then I had started to push. The nurses said to stop pushing as I wasn't dilated  "She is coming now!" They argued and said they wanted to check- she was crowning. They couldn't believe I had gone from a 0 to 10 in less than an hour. They asked me to lay down, again I said no and the doctor agreed with me this time. He said it would be better for me to deliver on my knees than in greater pain on my back.
She was born at 2:13 am and she was perfect but sleeping. 6 lbs and 19 1/2 inches long. I turned around and sat down. The nurse handed her to me. She looked just like her siblings did- just like their daddy. I then delivered the placenta; it was covered in clots and showed a small tear. I was told the tear probably caused a clot to pass to her and cut off her oxygen. I never felt the tear. I remembering holding her and then feeling the darkness come over me again. I awoke a few hours later to one of my nurses bringing Tossie back into the room. Hubby had given them the onesie I had made for her. They had bathed her and clothed her in her special outfit for me. She said that they had taken photos of her while I slept, the photos were being placed on a dvd for us. She asked if she could take a few more with my camera and to show us the memory box. I told her that would be good. While she was taking some photos the other nurses who had helped during the delivery came in and asked to do a blessing. They prayed a beautiful prayer over her. I apologized for the way I had acted during labor and the hateful things I said. I was told there was nothing to apologize for and that I had done something extremely painful that they couldn't imagine going through. They then asked if we wanted a lock of her hair, they tied it with a pretty purple string and lovingly cut it, placing it in the box they gave us. We were then showed the ring they had placed on her finger, her hand and footprints and the blessing card.
Our families and friends came later to say goodbye. I mostly remember my kiddies goodbyes; Bee lovingly held her and saying how beautiful she was, and Bubby poke her on the head followed by a bop on the head. My hubby's goodbye was harder to watch. He held her til the funeral home came to get her. I watched him place her in the basket and try not to cry as he let go.
The next morning I was to be discharged, but the delivering doctor came in and said to me... "It is not my place to judge you, but what you took is most likely what killed her." I asked him what he was talking about and he said the drug test he ran on me came back positive. I told him the only thing I had taken was the blood pressure meds that my doctor had prescribed for my pre-eclampsia. He said that blood pressure meds don't show up as drugs in tests. We had the test rerun and it came back positive again. We asked it be sent out for farther testing and the hospital agreed. A person with the hospital came in to express their sympathies and apologize for the doctor's actions and accusations  He then sent in a social worker and a counselor to help us deal with the doctor calling the state on us. We were told to prepare for an investigation in case the state acted before the test was finished. A few days later we were told by the counselor that the state saw no case for concern and a week later I was cleared of the drug accusations  It was my blood pressure meds but the words of that doctor accusing me of killing my beautiful daughter echo in my mind. I fight daily to not blame myself for her death. The what ifs are hard to deal with but those words make it so much harder.
I love my daughter and did everything I could to keep her safe. I will love you always!
Your Momma