I have come to realize that I am very weak and broken. I have come to lean on the Lord fully again, but it is hard for I am broken. I am asking my friends to continue to pray for us. And if you are okay with helping, we need help. Someone to talk too when the pain is unbearable, someone who will let us lean on them while they lean on God for help. I know that we are to lean on God, but he has blessed us with friends who can give us help and hugs when we need it.
I feel like the next few months will be harder. Buddy is turning 2 on Saturday- Tossie will not be here. Nor will Daddy- due to drill. Fee will be 4 in one month- Tossie will not be here. Nor Daddy for drill again. March 10th will be Tossie's 6 months in heaven, but it would have been her 1/2 birthday where she would have gotten to eat bananas!
I know these will be hard and I ask now for your prayers. Thank you!
Lately I have been feeling numb, crushed, heartbroken, and fearful. When I long to feel joy, love, peace and happiness. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reading the Bible, but I need help.
Please pray for peace of mind and heart for me!
I feel as though I am failing in the plans God has for my life. It feels as though darkness and depression have a hold of me. It feels as though I can't shake it this time. I want so badly too but I feel as though I am suffocating, the fear is nearly paralyzing.
I know the Lord is stronger than this darkness and I feel free sometimes for hours or even a whole day- then it starts creeping back in. In small thoughts of fear, loneliness, or anxiety. Please pray for my family and I.
"Do not be afraid- for I am with you always" spoken many times in the Bible!
but the angel reassured them. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior-yes, the Messiah, the Lord- has been born today in the city of Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find the baby wrapped in strips of cloth, laying in a manger."
Suddenly, the angel was joined was joined by a vast host- the armies of heaven- praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased"
My hubby has an idea that he would like us to do... A tree with the names or symbols of other angels we have come to know. If you would like to have your angel's name added please leave a comment or email us!
This morning as I sat in church singing the Christmas hymns, I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt as though I had been stabbed in the chest the pain was so bad. I started to cry. I missed her so badly and the hole in my heart felt so empty and raw. I know there will be times like this, I know I will never be ready for it when it hits, and I don't think I want to.
that I could have Tossie back, just for the day, I would choose today. She would be 3 months 1 week and 6 days old.
The day would start with me waking to nursing her, while the rest are sleeping in bed. Me, Tossie, Bee, Buddy and then Daddy all cuddled together. After her nursing we would all get up, Daddy would be making a breakfast of eggs and I would be giving Tossie a bath. Then I would dress her in a dress that I made for her first Christmas! White satin with red, green and white flowers on the sash with a matching bow and red velvet shoes. Sissy would be wearing a white satin dress too, but a purple flower added to her red and green one. Buddy would be wearing a red satin tie.
We would go to church and then to Sunday dinner with the whole family. Everyone would want to hold her and say how beautiful she is. Her name would be spoken.
After a few hours we would go home to spend the time just us as a family. Cuddling in bed, telling stories, and showering everyone in kisses. Laughing while watching the kids get out their energies. Everyone getting a chance to hold her and show her affection. I would take tons of photos and I would make sure that we got one as a whole family. We would read the kids Bible to them, sing a carol, and pray while holding hands. The kids would get to blow out the advent candles and we would all crawl into bed to fall asleep while watching The Christmas Card- Hubby and I holding each others hands while the kiddies lay between us. Buddy holding onto Daddy; Bee holding onto Tossie while she nursed herself to sleep in my arms.
I long everyday that we could have held her longer, bathe her, dress her, brought her home and let her sleep in our bed. To get to nurse her and watch her get that silly grin on her face while nursing. To get to have a family photo with everyone. These are all things I can't have and never will, but I long for them, even though I try as hard as I can to not.
Thank you Lord for blessing me with the time I did have with her. That we did have as a family.
The kiddies have a Fairy Godmother. And every year she sends them some gifts. This Christmas when the box arrived I was fully expecting wrapped presents for the kids. But instead there was a mini rose bush that is for the inside of the house and a beautiful pitcher with a bird on a branch!
Just a few minutes ago I watched Buddy pick up Tossie Doll. (this is the doll Bee received as a gift last year for Christmas from her Auntie and she named it Tossie when we named Tossie). He lovingly picked her up, kissed her on the head, patted her back, carried her on his chest to the bedroom and placed her in bed with a kiss. He patted her on the tummy and said 'uv u' (his I love you). It was so precious to see him do that, as he is a rough little boy and it broke my heart as I wish it was Tossie that he was showing affection, kisses and love instead of the doll. But it is so touching to see his affection for Tossie!
We don't have snow yet, but we are supposed to be getting it today or tonight! Hubby and I have talked about getting Christmas mugs for our hot cocoa for years- but this year, we did it. I prefer to shop local but when it comes to something my almost 2 year old son will touch that is breakable... I chose to go to Walgreens. They had some very cute mugs last night for $.89. I wanted color coordinated ones- red, green and cream.
Mug #1 is covered in old timey red and green ornaments hanging from pine branches.
Mug #2 is covered in blocks featuring the words-hope, joy, peace, believe, and noel. Along with old timey
sleds, stockings, mittens, wreaths, skates, holly, bells, and red cardinals.
Mug #3 is just red and green stripes on a white mug
Mug #4 (this one was the hardest) My choices were... red and green but covered in laughing Santas or blue and white with a touch of red and green with a Snowman with snow falling down. I chose the Snowman! Even though it wasn't in the colors of everyone else's mugs I didn't want Santa.
Christmas isn't really about Santa and my kiddies don't really know who Santa is. The only time my kiddies have seen Santa was at my hubby's unit's Christmas parties- last year and this year. We do Advent with the kiddies and watch Christmas movies but we don't teach about Santa. (We teach that the gift of Jesus' birth is why we celebrate, that God gave us Jesus, and that is why we give gifts to the ones we love.) I did have them check the back just to be sure that those were my only choices and they were. I'm very happy now with the choices, but was hesitant at the store. I didn't want the kiddies to fight!
I turned around to check the other shelves on the other side and saw a cute green glitter spiral table tree. $.99- I knew I had to get it for Tossie's shelf. It felt great that I could kinda include her by getting her something while buying for the rest of the family.
Over all my purchase was $4.91! Not bad at all...
At home I showed them to Hubby and Bee. I thought I had it figured out- who would get which. But Hubby surprised me by asking for Mug #2- blocks of words. Bee chose Mug #3- the stripes! and said Buddy could have the Snowman- Mug #4. So, that left me with Mug #1- the ornaments; to which I am very happy with!
I know this doesn't seem to have much to do with snow but I shall explain now... We don't start drinking hot cocoa til the first snow! And if for some reason that it doesn't snow... the first day of winter! This continues til the first day of spring. The kiddie's get hot vanilla on cold wet days or just because if it isn't Snowing or Winter. Today or tomorrow will be the day we get hot cocoa and I'm so excited!
I like to think it is a nice little tradition we just started!