Last week, I asked my hubby if he just wanted it to be us for a date on Valentine's. We have not had a Valentine's to ourselves since the night he proposed. Yes, he proposed on Valentine's Day!
This is my engagement ring! I can fit into it again... which makes me happy. I didn't want a diamond and we had considered getting married in October... so he chose an opal! (Great choice :) ) But we ended up getting married in May... Long story short- I got grounded til we got married, so May was the earliest we could. I may write a post about US later...
Any who... Hubby tried to get reservations to the restaurant that he took me to the night he proposed, but they were filled up. So, he chose a restaurant that we hadn't been to before... but it has the floral shop in which we get Tossie's Roses!
After dinner, we decided to get the kiddies teddy bears- Bee got a purple teddy and Buddy got a brown teddy. Daddy picked the gifts, since I had made the cards! And Daddy got Tossie a pink rose...
(just a little note- Bee asked that I dress Tossie's Bear in a heart onesie, so that it would be dressed up just like the rest of us)
I had made Heart Shaped Sea Salt Caramel Brownies and Brownie Bites to be eaten after dinner... the hearts are still waiting to be eaten, but the kiddies have been eating their way slowing through the bites. Hopefully, we can eat them today :)
Tossie received these following photos from others on Valentine's Day...
There will not be a Rainbow Baby for us... I came close to kidney failure with Tossie. The doctors told me another pregnancy in the next 3 years would likely kill both myself and the child. They gave us a 9/10 chance of dying... After 3 years, getting pregnant would still be dangerous... a 6/10 chance of death of myself and still 9/10 for the baby.
That was devastating news... we had dreamed of a family of 6! Us with 4 kiddies... to us that would be perfect!
But my hubby said that he wasn't willing to take the chance of losing me... again.
If we are to have another child, we can try adopting... but I don't think I am ready for the emotional ride that would sure be. And we wouldn't try for a baby... an older child around 6 or so. That was my age when I was adopted.
I had always thought that I would adopt older children, but when Hubby and I got married... 1 month later we found out we had gotten pregnant on our honeymoon! And we loved that we were having our own baby... And then we had another one 2 years later. 2009, 2011, and 2012...
It was heartbreaking to think of never having another baby... I loved being pregnant but I also want to be here to take care of my kiddies. I think I have come to terms with not having another baby... but we still have to take care of the procedure for my Hubby. I know that there will be some grieving when it comes time for that to happen... I have already grieved not having another baby... but when it is final I am sure that there will be more...
Hope and Healing...
I have learned that I am very much powerless... so very much so. God is in control and sometimes that makes it so much easier and sometimes it makes it harder.
I know that true healing will come from God when it is time. Each person's path is different and we must trust God to walk with us and carry us when we need him too!
We named our children with meanings and virtues... Bee's is Patience, Buddy's is Renew, and Tossie's is Under God's Guidance. We were debating Faith or Hope for her before she was born, but chose God's Guidance as the one that would be best. And it has been a learning process!
God's guidance to Hope, to Faith, to Trust and to Healing!
I am still walking the journey to healing; but I hope in the future God has planned for us, faith that he is always with me, I trust that his word is true, and that this pain I have been given will bring healing to myself and to others.
Thank you to all of you that have walked with me through this journey and I hope that we are able to continue walking together!
Yesterday, I had a panic attack that lasted for hours... I was miserable.
And the night was worse, when it got dark the terror filled me, I didn't even want to get out of bed!
I talked to a few friends and one prayed for me.
She prayed for Peace and I felt it... I was able to sleep.
This morning was tough; I felt the heaviness but wasn't filled with terror.
I had a hard time trying to find enjoyment; then my son woke up and smiled at me. But I still felt the darkness.
I didn't want to feel it, I couldn't understand why I was feeling it.
After a few hours, my friend... the one who prayed for Peace... texted me...
This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
~ 2 Corinthians 4:7b
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.
Now I will tell you what I am dealing with this weekend...
My hubby is a National Guard soldier and this weekend is drill.
We lost Tossie on drill weekend in September... We were separated as a family again for drill in October, but I had not experienced the pit at that time and I knew I had friends and family there to help.
This is the first drill we have been separated since October.
Since Tossie's death, we have realized how little time we really have together and that each moment is precious.
This weekend also is Tossie's 5 months in Heaven... Tomorrow February 10th.
I have a hard time on these days with finding enjoyment.. but I remember this verse...
God... richly provides us with all things to enjoy.
~1 Timothy 6:17b
And I wanted to stay in bed today... wallowing in pity. Then I remembered that Tossie's day falls on Sunday... and the florist won't be open. So that meant that if I wanted Tossie's rose I would need to go today! The lady at the floral shop knows about Tossie, she even gives the kiddies free rainbow heart lollipops every time we come in for the rose (if she works). I am very grateful that she is so kind to us.
I didn't think I would blog today or get on Facebook... I didn't want to care. But as I was doing the dishes- meditating on the verses that brought me PEACE, I prayed that those feeling the same way would find peace too. And it felt like I was suddenly hit in the back of the head... Why didn't I share the peace I felt and how it was given to me! But how... I didn't know of anyone feeling like this? Then I remembered my blog... why not share there... So I am! I hope that these verses and my prayer for peace be with those who need it. Or shared with those who do.
There is always a light that the Lord gives us... if we chose to see it!
The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
What's more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.
So don't worry about tomorrow about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
I suggest reading all of Psalm 37 but I will highlight some verses that really popped out at me...
Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires.
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
Soon the wicked will disappear. Though you look for them, they will be gone.
The lowly will possess the land and will live in peace and prosperity.
The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance.
But the Lord just laughs, for he sees their day of judgment coming.
~Psalm 37; 9-13
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
I pray that God will bring you PEACE and that you are not alone, but know that God is always with you. In Jesus Name, Amen
and that. This is kind of a jumbled post, a little bit of everything thrown in there...
This is the breakfast I made my daughter for her birthday... sand dollar pancakes with rainbow jello whipped cream topped with red sugar. Served with a pretty little flag and cup of Jasmine tea. The plate in back was Buddy's as it was his party day too!
The table for her party (at our church) There is the front door wreath... I used the fabric from Bee's party to make the flowers and Tossie's Valentine butterfly is on it. The pompoms were made by Daddy and I; and Daddy made the toadstools out of white cups and red bowls.
Close up of the food... (left to right) Cowgirl Cookies made with red, purple, pink and white M&Ms; purple and white meringues; the purple rosette cake surrounded by the toadstool cupcakes; toadstools made from grape tomatoes and cheese; a jar of the M&Ms; Rainbow jello salad; Cherry Lemonade; and homemade Marshmallows.
This is the kiddies party table, Wanted to get purple plates but the green were 40 cents for 50 and purple was $1 for 8... so green it was. The fabric toadstools were great for all the kiddies and they loved them!
A closer look at the cake; the purple rosette was chocolate cake; the toadstools were cherry vanilla; Bee liked the cake banners she saw in photos of parties online so I made her one when I made the wreath.
Bee's own little cake- Purple Rosette
Buddy's Worm Cake
And that was the last party photo I got... was kinda busy with the Musical Mushrooms and the Fairy Door Treasure hunt.
A few days later...
Took a walk with the kiddies to get some of their energy out and took them to the creek. Thought I would add Tossie to the party!
Winner gets to choose the star they want on my Facebook page for my 100 fan giveaway... I am currently at 68 fans.
This morning the were lots of clouds... so no sunrise rock photos... But plenty of pretty clouds... smells like we might get rain today... maybe while I was typing this it was raining :)
Someone thought it would be funny to take the orange cone that was placed on the broken concrete and tree it in Tossie's Tree. They city workers broke the sidewalk while doing work on cleaning up the pond. They placed the cone on the sidewalk to warn walkers that it was broken.
On my way home from the store... I saw a lot of these little fellows- this is the only one who sat still long enough.
You see those towers... That is where the sun rises... But you don't see them in your photos do you?
Only when the clouds darken the suns rays do you see them in a photo. And I think that says a lot.
The sun finally peeked through a hole in the cloud cover... Hubby said that this photo would be awesome if there was snow on the ground! I think it looks good this way too...
While typing this up I enjoyed a cup of Twinings Loose Tea in Jasmine Green. It comes in a cute little tin and tastes so much better and powerful than the ground tea bags. It is double the cost but o so good! Hubby that I was crazy but I told him it wouldn't be an every time thing... Just a special treat for me and when they are gone I will go back to the bags if need be. ( I can use the tins to hold the bags if I have to go back to tea bags) And the store has agreed to see if they can get me Lady Grey in Loose Leaf and then my collection will be complete!
Patches the Bear
Just found out about Patches and would love to sign up... having trouble finding the email to sign up though. Click on the photo to go to his page!