Monday, September 30, 2013

Capture Your Grief 2013


Last year, it had only been weeks after Tossie's death when this started...
I am so glad that I did this project, I printed the photos out and put them in a book by themselves. So, that I could look at it when ever I needed too. It is what helped me start Tossie's Tree...

I hope to find some more healing this year...
If you want to see last year photos, just click here

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Question from a book...

A few months ago I was given a book.
 In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft
In chapter 4, she states about a conversation with a friend after her second loss.

She tells her friend how she is struggling more with ongoing sadness.
Why she didn't understand why God would ask her to give back 2 sons.
To which her friend replies...
'If God said to you, Lynnette, I would like to give you a son. He won't be with you long. I am only going to leave him with you for 5 days and then I will take him back, but I have a plan. Will you accept this assignment?'
How many times have I thought Why?
WHY? WHY, was I chosen to have a hole in my heart the rest of my days here on earth?
WHY? Why did I have to struggle with pain?... with sadness?... with heartache?
WHY was I chosen to give back my child?
* During all 3 of my pregnancies I feared the death of the child I was carrying...
Bee's was the worse because a dear friend of mine who was due just weeks apart from mine, lost her son. She was one of my best friends, I didn't know how to help her, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know anything.
I knew that death was real and only at the age of 20. I didn't want to experience death.
I feared losing my child.

With Buddy, I also feared, but not as much... til I got really sick. I ended up needing to be airvacced by helicopter to a larger hospital with a NICU. Thankfully he only spent 1 hour in the NICU...*
After finding out I was pregnant with Tossie, I was fearful of losing her...
But the fear didn't last long...
I was happy to be pregnant, thankful God was enlarging our family, so I handed the fear over to Him.

Then I became sick... High Pressures, High Proteins, on meds, doing lots of labs for liver, kidney and heart...
But the fear didn't last long again... Despite, everything going wrong, I had joy and enjoyed the pregnancy.

Yes, I had moments of fear but they did not last long. God had seen me through so much, I knew he could see me through anything.
There were times during my pregnancy with Tossie, I didn't feel like she was mine. Like I couldn't see life with her in it. There were a few dreams of our life with her, but none like I had had with Bee and Buddy.
She didn't feel like she was mine.
Her middle name Adaline even means 'Under God's Guidance'
That felt right!

When we received the news of her death, I cried, I prayed, I screamed as silently as I could...

I didn't want it to be true, but I knew it was.
I knew she wasn't mine, but I just didn't want it to be true!
Back to the question that started this post...
Had I known I would have to give her back, would I still have her?

Yes! So many times yes! She is such a blessing to me, even though my arms are empty and my heart breaks because she isn't here. But I would do it all over again just to have her for that little time. She was and still is such a gift and blessing to me, to my entire family!
A full blessing indeed!

Many times I feel... blessed. Even in this heartache, I feel extremely blessed to have had Tossie. To have Tossie even if right now she is only in my heart and the hearts of those we love and love us. She is a gift and a blessing from God, that I am very grateful for.

I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right and thou, in faithfulness hast afflicted me. Psalm 119:75

Thursday, September 12, 2013

1st Birthday in Heaven

A pink sunrise...

What A Blessing

Thank you Lord for this gift!

My daughter had a homeschool class that morning...
Stone Soup!

Her birthday cake! Pink butterflies and 12 pink roses... Bee helped bake the cake! Chocolate with salted caramel drizzle... she is becoming quite the baker :)

This is the set up under her tree... The blanket from Sarah!
The candle star we (Bee and I) made, the angel her daddy bought for me, her 12th rose, and the pile of rocks Bud brought.

Autumn gave us some balloons and Bud released his orange one before we were ready but you can see the balloons flying over Tossie's Tree

The moon in the last rays of sunlight

A closer look at the star candle votive... its blue with pink flowers

I love this photo...
The moon,
My two beautiful Blessings,
My friend Tina's legs,
Tossie's Cake to the right, and 
her candle

This is a special photo of my friend Tina as the sun slipped down under the horizon...

A beautiful ceremony for my beautiful Tossie

... The day before...

Sept 9th, 2013

We received a few packages and cards in the mail...
but one stood out...
a beautiful blanket with a pink and blue butterfly on it...
The beauty of such a sweet gift that had such meaning to us, brought me to tears. Good tears... but tears.
My hubby reached over and held me for a few minutes...

We used it as a part of her Birthday ceremony (photos in the next post)...
Thank you Sarah, so very much for such a sweet and thoughtful gift.

Past the weekend...

Sunrise on Sept 7th


A new day... has so much more if not different meaning now...

Watching the Mississippi River... This is at about 7 am

The first gifts I received after Tossie's death; a pink and blue heart made by a friend's hands, the footprint on my heart charm from another friend, and the gold ring is Tossie's from the hospital. I wore this for weeks after her death and I wore it again this weekend...


My 3 flowers (the dirty one is the one my son picked)

Over all, the weekend was good... emotionally draining...
But I am so thankful, I spent the weekend with hubby (as much as drill allows)

One of the men in his unit asked me a few questions when hubby got up with our son...
R: 'your son is a handful isn't he?'
yes, he doesn't know what walking is- he just runs!
R: 'why did you decide to come this weekend, you haven't been around lately?'
This weekend is harder to deal with and we felt it was worth the extra cost
R: 'I thought you had 3 kids, how come we never see the other one?'

The other soldier sitting at the table looked up sharply at the question...
I told him...
We have 3 children, but this weekend last year is the weekend she died. Which is why we are up here this weekend. I didn't want to be alone.

The soldier (R) looks at the other, "Why didn't anyone tell me this!"
(R) looks at me "I am so sorry, I didn't know or realize that was this weekend"
The other soldier (D) "I am sorry I didn't realize it was the anniversary of her death"

I told them it was fine... and it was... because it looked like they cared.
What touched me the most about it was this soldier (R). He has seen many deployments, he actually likes deploying he said. He has a roughness to him that makes talking to him hard. A rough humor. I don't get his humor at all. But I smile to be polite.
This soldier looked like he had been slapped in the face when we said she had died. He went pale and lost all words. 

It was a little upsetting that no one remembered and then I found out that night from hubby that his closest buddy, U. Had asked why the family came...
Hubby said, This weekend is hard to handle.
U started to ask... what do you mean? when he saw his face.
U: I am sorry man, I forgot.

It doesn't hurt in the same way that it does when someone we see regularly forgets. These soldiers see my hubby once a month. The look in their eyes is touching... They don't look at me with sympathy...
The look says something, but I don't know what.
I am just glad it isn't pity.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

This weekend...

I have tried not thinking about this weekend in fear of snapping... Becoming angry, screaming or something.

Last year...

Sept 7th: My cousin's 2nd son was born...
I was proclaimed a normal pregnant momma by my doctor.
My Blood Pressure was a high normal- but normal
My proteins were in check... No kidney failure... No liver failure
My husband left for drill

Sept 8th: Had a normal day at home feeling Tossie move in my tummy and being the spunky little girl we knew her to be...
2330 (11:30 pm) that night: a prowler at the house, I called hubby and then called the police
Around midnight that night: My mother in law showed up as the police left... spent the night with me...
I didn't go back to sleep til 2 am

Sept 9th: after waking up Tossie was quieter than usual... but still active
Went to church... felt the start of contractions
Went to Mum's house... helped make dinner
After dinner... 3 pm... She wasn't moving as much, but the contractions were harder... more intense
5 pm... they were much harder... but I enjoyed it... the first time in 3 pregnancies I had felt real contractions
I got into the shower
My daughter Bee brought me cool water, chocolate covered almonds and candy
Bee kept asking when Daddy would be home
Daddy came home around 7 pm... we called the hospital
8 pm (2000) we arrived at the hospital...
They hooked me up to the fetal monitor...
couldn't find a heartbeat...
they tried again... but I couldn't lay still on my back
my back was in so much pain...
The doctor came in and used the ultrasound...
"I'm sorry but she is gone, there is no heartbeat"
He saw a tear in the placenta
"Why didn't you come in when the pain started?"
'What pain... my back didn't start til I laid down...'
"This pain" (pushes on the top right of my womb)
Searing pain- I wanted to scream, I felt like he was stabbing me

They left us alone so we could call family
Hubby called my parents first...
Then he called his...
Then he called his unit...

We moved to room 6...

I went to the shower and cried
Begged God that it wasn't true
Cried some more
Heard a whisper... Under God's Guidance
The meaning of Tossie's middle name
Heard my hubby crying
Held his hand as my knees slid out from under me
I laid in the shower not ever wanting to get up

The nurse came in and said that the doctor ordered that I had to begin the IVs

Multiple meds, lots of pain, and blacking out

Sept 10th: I remember unbearable pain... the doctor wouldn't listen...
I got up in the bed to relieve some of the pain...
The nurses moved the bed so I could be held safely by my hubby
I started pushing my Tossie out...
Kneeling in the same position I had prayed in earlier...

0213 (2:13 am)

I remember the relief of some of the pain
I remember her being handed directly to me...
I remember that she looked just like Bee and Bud...
She had black hair, her Daddy's nose, and she was perfect
But she wasn't breathing... but she was perfect

I remember placing my head against Hubby's in silent prayer
I remember saying I wanted her to have her owl

4 hours later I wake to the nurse looking at me
She asked if I wanted to see her
she went and got her
I held her
She took photos

I felt empty
Even with her in my arms

The nurse gave me some time alone with Tossie...
I called a friend
She answered at 0600 in the morning
"Tina, she's gone"

Right now... I break down and cry as I type that... I hated saying those words when all I wished to say was that she was finally here.

I don't want to face Drill weekend-this drill weekend alone...
I want to be as close to Hubby as possible...

When I make it through drill, I will start planning Tossie's 1st Birthday officially...
Right now, I want to survive this weekend


Thinking of you Debbi!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Makenna!

Prayers for your mommy and daddy on this special day. Lots of love Heather!