Saturday, October 26, 2013

Illuminate Week 4: 100 Steps

I am grateful for...
Discovering the beauty of shadows with my daughter

The warmth of sunshine and the colors of newly colored leaves

The wonder of learning to trust and balance.
Discovering the adventure in life...

Watching the small moments and seeing how big they truly are...

New Life...

Feeling my heart experience the hopes, joys and loves again.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Illuminate~ Week 2: My Light

What does light and dark mean to me?
How does the world look?
I think the world is a beautiful creation.
The light and the dark help us to see everything...

It is so different to see the light after feeling the darkness, no matter how long you saw darkness...

Even the weeks right after Tossie's death, I would go outside and just look for the light...
Sunrise was my favorite. A promise of Hope...

But I loved the light of the darkness too...
Without darkness we can lose the focus of light.
We wouldn't have shadows... 
Shadows create a beauty all their own.

I like the balance of seeing both the light and the dark of  Life.
I love to look up at the sun or the moon and see the beauty that they behold.
I love to see the beauty around me
Many people say that a day is only beautiful if the sun shines...
I don't believe that!
I believe that each day holds beauty, but we must be the ones to look for it...
to search for it...
Many say that light is equal to beauty, but darkness holds a beauty of its own.
I love to look for glimmers of light...

But living out of balance...
Not enough light 
Not enough dark
Can create a feeling of gray...
Like nothing changes...
it stays the same


I believe that even if we did not have the sun and the moon...
Having the Light of The Son means that we do not need to fear the darkness.

~
You may be wondering why I am photographing a pumpkin...
This is Tossie's pumpkin which we bought this week when we went to the pumpkin patch. 
Even though she is not here, I love to include her in our family activities.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Time...






This is me this morning at Tossie's Tree

Tossie's 1 year and 1 month rose... it's purple!

Time seems to get away from oneself...
I haven't been to Tossie's Tree in a while...
Even though there was not a sunrise to see, I went.
I was in need of prayer...
Time of quiet...
Time to sit with oneself...
I couldn't seem to sit quietly...
So, I pulled my shawl over my head to eliminate distractions
That helped
I could focus
I could sit
I could pray
Even though I only got 3 hours of sleep last night,
I feel like I have more energy than I have had in such a long time!



Friday, October 11, 2013

Illuminate Week 1: Dear Tossie

Dear Tossie,
I miss you.
I long to hold you in my hands and arms rather than a rose...
Sometimes, it hurts so bad, I feel like I can't even lift my arms and I just cry.
I cry til the pain stops...

So often I feel like I am wearing a mask.
Appearing fine to others when I want to scream...
But if I do feel fine than I am expected to act heartbroken,
and if I don't act heartbroken and am enjoying myself,
I am told that I don't love you.
I do love you Tossie!
So very much!

Sometimes...
I want to hide.
Who I am or maybe I want to hide how broken I truly am?

But there are times when the light shines bright and I don't feel like I need to hide.
Life is so confusing to me now...
You turned it upside down and every which way.
I am so glad you did!

I love you Tossie!
Love always and forever,
Momma

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day 9: Music



I know this songs meaning is actually for abortion...
But it speaks so heavily of guilt.
Guilt I know so well.
I tried to do everything right...
I took the medication...
I took it easy...
I did everything I was told...
I am glad I made that trip while she was still in my womb...
I followed the orders to handle the trip safely...
She was fine and so was I after the trip...

The on call doctor's words still ring through my head. I still shake at the sight of the bottle...
'It's not my place to judge you, but what you took is most likely the thing that killed her'
He was accusing me of taking drugs...
He said that was most likely why she was dead.
The only thing I took was the blood pressure medication that was prescribed me to save both of our lives...
I was nearing kidney failure, so I had to chose to take the meds and save both of us or don't and neither of us could make it to birth.

For weeks after her death, those words echoed in my head...
My body shook each time I looked at the bottle...
My hands shook each time I picked up that bottle...
I had to fight it down to keep from throwing up each time I tried to swallow...
Until I couldn't take them anymore...
I became sick one day...
Kept throwing up... for 3 days...
I could not pick up that bottle after that...
I didn't want to.
~
This song also has meaning to my hubby.
The same doctor told him
"if you hadn't been on duty (at drill for the National Guard) or had left before final formation; she could still be alive"
He made it sound like a soldier has a choice when he can or cannot go to duty.
Anyone with half a brain knows that soldiers follow orders...
He didn't even know I was in labor...
I didn't tell him...
I wanted him to drive home safely
My contractions were no where near 'ready'
Why should he worry?
Why would anyone say that to a grieving father?
Much less to a grieving father watching his wife struggle through labor?
Watching the monitors saying that his wife's life was in danger and hearing the doctor say how dangerous things were...

Guilt has many forms...
If's
When
What if
Maybe just
Maybe If I had
so many more...
so so many more...


Day 8: Colour

Day 8: Colour
We chose 2 colors for each child...
Bee~ Purple and Yellow
Bud~ Green and Orange
Tossie~ Pink and Blue
Bee helped chose Blue because that was the color of the Klean Kanteen that she chose for her...
I made Tossie a blue and pink ruffle butt onesie, a flower bow, blanket, and owl...
I am so glad I made those for her!
I felt so bad that I did all that work for her and didn't do it for my other two.
I kept telling myself "you will have time to make things for her later"
I am so glad that I didn't listen!

This photo is of an ornament that I purchased from an auction...
I had to have it... the colors were perfect.
The butterflies made it more so...
The pink and blue butterflies inside a heart, even more...

Monday, October 7, 2013

Day 7: You Now

Day 7: You Now
Where am I?
I don't know really...
I see the beauty around me but
I feel like a ship in stormy waters sometimes...
Happy and at peace
and the next
rolling and tossing with...
pain
anger
brokenness
and then 
at peace again...

Day 6: Ritual

Day 6: Ritual
Hubby's unit upon hearing of Tossie's death sent us a bouquet of roses.
Pink
Peach
Purple
Beautiful
They gave me something beautiful to look at while I was stuck in that hospital bed, the black night filling the windows with only the lights of the Post to keep it from being nothing but black...
They were placed in a pretty purple vase...
I clung to that vase as I walked out of the OB ward,
down the hall,
down the elevator,
through the parking lot,
to the car...
I thought I would collapse when he took the flowers out of my arms...
But he held me tight as we walked back into the hospital...
and back out again...
he handed me the flowers after helping me into the car...
I held those flowers all the way to the funeral home...
And clutched them tightly to me again after we left...
How I longed to have something to hold
to fill my aching arms that longed to have her.
Every month on the 10th I went and got another rose for her.

Day 5: Memory

Day 5: Memory
My favorite memory of Tossie was the way she would jump around when Bee would tell her stories and when Buddy would bop her, she would bop him right back!
She was so spunky and as her Daddy would say... out of line...

Day 4: Legacy

Day 4: Legacy 
God and Love; God's Love 
Tossie's death has taught me so much about love, God, and his love for us.
Life seems so empty with the loss of the love of that child...
But how much more so, when we cannot feel the awesome love that is His
I have learned so much about what love is

Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth
Not talking about it will help you get over it.
Not speaking Tossie's name does not erase her...
Not speaking Tossie's name makes my heart break...
Not speaking does not help at all...
One cannot heal alone

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day 2: Identity

Day 2: Identity
Tossie Adaline Hill 
We named her after her Great Great Grandma Tossie Opal and her Great Grandma Ada
We were told that her name has 3 meanings by another lady named Tossie; Ocean, Princess and Number One. We decided to chose Ocean Princess- Under God's Guidance (Adaline meaning) Daddy said that Adaline sounded like out of line which is why he chose it...
She was bornsleeping on Sept 10th 2012; 6 lbs; 19 1/2 inches; at 0213 in Fort Wood MO
She had her Daddy's nose just like Bee and Bud, dark almost black hair, and she was perfect.
She was spunky; loved listening to her sister's stories and fighting with her brother...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise Rolla, Mo 
No Sun, No Moon, Just Gray Clouds
I found these little daisies by Tossie's Tree
Looking for the sun...

I sat outside by the Tree for a while hoping for some color, light, anything...
Praying for anything to bring a bit of beauty to this gray day...
That is when I saw the daisies...
I was picking up acorn caps to make pinecone angels with my daughter today...
The daisies looked so little and delicate
I know that they will be gone soon
When the frost comes...
But for now I will enjoy the beauty that they bring
and Thank God that there are these beautiful things to be enjoyed!